Glamourous Life of Wife-Mamahood

LOL. I know it has been MONTHS since I've updated...especially on my little baby girl. I've been juggling school, work, relationship and motherhood. Now that I'm on winter break (not for long though), and Jeni's napping, I thought I'd do this now while I can.

I wanted to mention that last month on the first, I've earned this ribbon:


That ribbon was for 18 months of nursing milestone.

And yes...I'm still nursing her to this day...on the demand...which is very quite often (yes she have a lot of teeth, but she doesn't use her teeth to suck...do you use teeth to suck through the straw? It's totally the same concept). Don't get me wrong, I do love it...but at the same time, there are a few things I don't like about it. I don't like how every time I nurse her, she'd put her hand on my other boob and starts to rub on it, or pinch it. I've tried everything but physical to get her stop. Perhaps, I'll have to dig for my old nursing necklace and see if she'll start to use it instead of my other boob. I also don't like the fact that she nurses very often, especially when she self-weaned off bottles and pacifiers 3 days after her 1st birthday. It is to the point where I've actually started leaking again a few months ago. It's driving me crazy, and I'm trying to put the nursing sessions on strict schedule, but ah...easier said than done. I'm hoping that either I'd be able to get her nursing sessions down to 2-3 times a day or self-weaned off by her 2nd birthday because that's when we're enrolling her in preschool.

Yes, she's starting preschool this summer. They've got a summer program where they will prepare Jeni for 2 years old preschool program this fall. We've finally found one preschool where we've fallen in love with. They use redirect method for discipline. They help with potty training, and use songs for it, which helps the kids effectively. They've got excellent curriculum. I love how they keep the school clean every morning. The staff got plenty of experience. Their teacher/student ratio is 1 to 8. The state's requirement is 1 to 12 at least, so I really like that their ratio is pretty low...which means the kids get more attention that they need. Their security is fantastic! No one can just walk in. All the parents and staff have to punch the code to get in, AND the parents doesn't have to call in advance to check in...they have an open door policy, which is what you want for preschool. If we have to call in before we can go in...that's kind of suspicious...like what do they have to hide? They even got 24/7 recorded video, and the parents can ask to watch it! The teachers will take pictures of the kids whenever they did something...like accomplished something new...and the parents get to have a copy of those photos!! I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to have something for Jeni's scrapbook when she's in preschool unless she was in play or something. So I'm absolutely happy that I won't really miss out on anything. Oh by the way, we're enrolling her in Vacaville's Kiddie Academy. The director's husband is a cop.

I mean, I'm pretty excited for Jeni because we brought her with us to have a tour at Kiddie Academy, and she totally responded to their enivronment very positively. But at the same time, I'm starting to tear up, because I don't want my little girl to grow up, and becoming independent. I definitely do think I have deattachment issues because whenever I'm not at school or work, I spend every moment with her, taking pictures of her...videotaping her. She's practically my life. I even take her along with me when I want to visit my friends or whatever. I know that I need some time to myself but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Maybe once she's in preschool, that will help me with my own deattachment issues lol.

I think Jeni have about over 100 words in vocabulary so far in American Sign Language. Also, she's pretty much catching up in Cambodian, Chinese and English languages as well. She can speak my family's Chinese language, but she's learning a little bit of Mandrian from her favorite show, "Ni Hao, Kai-Lan," like for an example, she knows how to say Ni Hao, and Hong Se (meaning red).It's sorta Chinese verison of Dora, and it's new show. I'm thinking about doing Ni Hao, Kai Lan theme for her 2nd birthday. But anyway, she's using short sentences now. She can ask questions, and can answer questions. She knows body parts, and she counts 1 to 10 in Cambodian language. She knows some of my family's members' nicknames/names but also knows how they're related to her. She can even tell you whose clothes (my family only, though). She'll tell me if she's hurt. She doesn't say "Owie" or anything like that. She'll actually say "hurt" and sign it. We've never taught her to say ow, we've always taught her to say hurt. And she'll point where she's hurting. She even lets us know that her teeth is hurting, so that's how I was able to know whenever her new teeth are coming in. She just grew her last molar, but she still have about 4 teeth left to grow. She loves to dance, and twirl around to make herself dizzy. She is totally into babies, also. Her hair is finally starting to grow, but not long enough for me to do anything with it yet. I've videotaped her signing, and talking, but I'll have to figure out how to convert my handycam's dvd to be able to upload it into Youtube or whatever. I've always had that problem. If you know how, please show me!! I've recorded some stuff on the digital camera but it isn't that great quality, though.

Anyway, I've better get going before Jeni wakes up from a nap. Promise I'll do a small update more often.

I think I've caused some confusion when I spoke of the job interview. The job interview that I actually had was at this low profile school for the ASL teacher position. It was about 30 minutes further than my brother Ben's school in Fremont.

I haven't heard anything from California School for Deaf: Fremont ever since I applied for a Teacher Assistant position there. Since their school's first day was approaching soon, I didn't think I was going to get an interview. BUT...I just received a letter from there saying that a part of my application process has been completed. So now they'll notify me of the time and place of my interview as soon as scheduling has been completed!

So I'm actually excited about THIS job interview, and I know that they'll provide either an interpreter or the interview will be in ASL.

I spoke to Brandon about this, and we agreed that when I do get this job, I'll commute daily because it's pretty pricy to live in Fremont. So I figure with a full time job, I can afford it.

I'm so excited to be part of Deaf Culture once again. I mean, I hardly get to see my deaf friends, or even hearing friends in general ever since I became a mother. Every day, I've been embracing hearing culture because the majority of my family, and all of my in laws are hearing. I felt like I had to embrace hearing culture 24/7 because my daughter is hearing herself. But then I started to do some heavy thinking, and I felt that my child(ren) should be exposed to both worlds. So I've decided that I'll start taking her to KODA (kid of deaf adult) events, and I will put her in Grizzly Deaf Camp when she's old enough (hearing siblings of a deaf person or hearing children with deaf parents can participate in this particular camp with other deaf children). I'm going to try to be more involved in deaf events as much as I can...probably after Jeni is completely self-weaned off. So far, she haven't shown any signs of self-weaning yet, though.

Speaking of involving my darling daughter in those events, Brandon and I decided that we'll enroll Jeni in Gymnastics. We'd like to see her thrive on gymnastics. I've always wanted to do gymnastics. I was able to do a lot of those things. The gymnastics coach at my high school saw me doing gymnastics and kept on asking me to join the team. But...of course I just had to be only deaf student at that hearing school because I had a hard time finding an interpreter. So I ended up not being able to join the team. It totally sucked! People kept on telling me that I could still join the team without an interpreter, but you don't understand. I didn't know any of those extreme difficult routines, so I'd need someone to explain me instructions clearly for safety reasons.

Anyway, we're going to enroll Jeni in sign gymnastics when she's 2 years old. And I get to participate with her as well. It's a program where they actually use sign language while doing gymnastics as well. It's in Fremont. I thought that was really cool. We're hoping to see Jeni in Olympics doing gymnastics. :D We'd like to see all of our children being part of Olympics. How cool would that be?

I just wanted to clarify something about the job interview that I had on the recent Monday, since I was bein' subtle about it.

No one discriminated against me during this interview or anything like that. In fact, one of women who interviewed me was very kind to me, and made sure that I was being comfortable while waiting to be interviewed and everything.

It's just that, as soon as I walked in, I didn't have a good impression of this school where the job would be at. It was very unorganized. I'm the type of person who would work way better if everything's organized. It drives me nuts if nothing is organized, and it can kind of put me in such funky mood. The staff didn't appear very professional. Brandon came with me because they asked me at very last minute for an interview, and I knew that if it was up to them, it would take a while to get an interpreter. So Brandon was basically my last minute interpreter for this interview. He could tell immediately that I wasn't impressed with the school, and he asked me if I wanted to leave. I told him that I didn't want to leave and that I'd just go ahead with the interview, and basically give it a chance.

To be honest, if they offer me a part-time job, I wouldn't take it because it's an hour and half drive away from where I live, and it wouldn't be worth it to commute. Otherwise, if they guarantee me a full time job, I'd probably accept it and see how it goes.

I think either I'm just so damn snobby or the school is just so damn sloppy.

That night after the interview, I was so bummed out and told Brandon about how I envy some people, especially hearing people, because they'd easily get jobs (well not easily, especially now because of the bad job market but still). They could do customer service, and are able to answer the phones. It pisses me off that some people aren't trying to look for a job because I'd take anything, even office jobs. They take it for granted. I used to put the fact that I'm deaf on the resume, and I'd never get a phone call. So when I removed that from my resume, I'd get all phone calls but as soon as they'd find out that I'm deaf, they'd say "No, sorry, I need someone who can do this and that (i.e. being able to communicate with people, or answering the phone)." People tells me that I can sue them for discrimination, but I don't really agree with that because it is not really much different than hiring someone without an education to be a surgeon or something. I just can't do some of those things in their job description. I mean, I'm not saying that not all deaf people can't do it. If they can speak well and hear well enough to deal with customer service and answer phone calls, great. But unfortunately, I'm not one of those people. So for me, it's very limited.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up.

Brandon and I agreed that I'd just focus on school for now, and if the job opportunity comes up, I'll take it.

The day after the job interview, though, I went online and was curious about what grade I'd get in my summer class last month. I saw that I got an A. My spirits were uplifted once again. It immediately got me out of that funky mood, and I feel so damn good about myself, and I feel pretty confident.

It's interesting because all my life, I've been a straight A's student. I've worked my ass off to get an A in every class, because I was trying to prove to everyone that I can be as smart as my hearing peers in school since I was the only deaf student in schools, pretty much. I was so damn determined, yet I was lacking a lot of confidence. Now, every time I've done it, and get a great result out of it, I gain a lot of confidence. It motivates me to keep going, and be a better person. Maybe they're right, the parenthood certainly can change us in ways we've never imagined.

Last night, I was laughing so hard because Brandon read the survey I posted on the bulletin. The one where I called Kari the retarded one since she couldn't finish high school. The reason why I said that was because she was the one who said that she didn't want her son to marry me because she "didn't want retarded grandchildren." So I guess that meant that she saw me as the retarded one, as well. She's working at Wal-Mart and she's almost 50 years old. Wow, what a genius! I even took college courses while I was in high school, wtf? Who cares if I happen to have a deaf child? I'm just thankful that I am not associating with anyone who is discriminating...uneducated...ignorant.... If anyone ever dare to say something stupid like that, YOU'RE FUCKIN' OUT OF OUR LIVES. We do not tolerate prejudice in this family. I don't need ignorant people influencing our child(ren).

The other day at my parents' donut shop, this black woman came in with a huge blanket wrapped around herself, and she was pouring the coffee in her cup. Then she just stood there at the coffee counter, and wouldn't move for other customers to get their coffee, as well. The man next to her tried to say "Excuse me," but she completely ignored him. So he kept on saying "Excuse me," in a kind tone. But as a few minutes passed by, he said it a bit louder. Wham, she turned around and made a huge deal out of it, saying that HE was being extremely rude, and was flippin' out. She ended up spilling the coffee, and some of it got on the floor. So that woman took the towel from coffee counter, and wiped it off on the floor. My mom went over and tried to say, "Excuse me," a several times in same kind tone. The woman went off on my mom and tried to pull that racism card, and yelled, "You people always do this," or something like that. That damn woman is so lucky that I wasn't there because if I was there, I'd yell at her not to use the damn towel on the floor because that's one of my pet peeves. I've yelled at customers not to use the towel on the floor because come on, use the common sense. Would you want to drink the coffee off the counter that I've wiped off with the towel that I've used on the friggin' floor?? That's what the mop is for! And those customers were often white or Mexcian guys, so that woman shouldn't be goin' around pullin' that racism card, and she was the one who said, "You people always do this," like she's discriminating against us Asian people. So she was bein' a total hypocrite.

I don't really like how some people are tryin' to advocate for giving driver licenses to illegal immigrants. I mean, to have a driver license, you've got to be a U.S. citzen. So you have to go through the legal process like everyone else does. I don't really like how they say that Mexicans should have this and that because they're the backbone of America. I mean, did you know that 98% of illegal immigrants are on welfare? Oh yeah, how is that being a backbone of America? That's stealing taxpayers' money. I'm not saying that all 98% of illegal immigrants are Mexicans. But come on, that 2% isn't all Mexicans either. Look at Chinese people, they're the ones who built those railroads, yet you don't see America letting all Chinese people come here from China. They have to go through a legal process. It's so hard for all other countries to get a visa to come here because they'd have to get a visa from U.S. Embassy. Why aren't they doing the same thing with Mexico? I'm all for equality, and I believe that everyone should get an equal treatment. So I don't agree with giving a special treatment to Mexicans because how is that being equal? My parents and family had to go through a legal process just like everyone else. America handpicked people from Thai Refugee Camp because they were the ones who bombed their army stations in Cambodia during the Vietnam war because they didn't want Vietnamese to have an access to Cambodia. Cambodia has been innocent the whole time in this war with Vietnam, but that didn't matter. Pol Pot (sort of like Hilter, but killed even more people) saw the opportunity and seized the power...hence the mass genocide. So that was why America felt responsible and repaid by handpicked all these people and sponsored them to live here in America as citzens. I'm an U.S. citzen because I was born here in America. Even if I wasn't born in America, I would've been an U.S. citzen anyway because American sponsored and helped my family to be citzens to repay for their mistake during Vietnam war. Mexico isn't the only country who is going through hardship. There are so many unfortunate underdeveloping countries, yet U.S. is being super strict with all these countries, except for Mexico. I'm not saying that we got to deport all those illegal immigrants back to where they came from because what's done is done. But we need to treat the border just the same way we treat with every other unfortunate country.

I hate it when one race talks all about oppression, yet they keep that cycle going. Like for example, one black person may talk about slavery and all that, and then hate random white person for it, saying something like, "Your people did this and that to my people!" I mean, how do you expect to end this damn oppression if you keep it going? I have nothing against white people because I do not know them all personally. But this doesn't mean I don't face any discrimination because of my skin. I've often run into some specific white people who have said to me something like, "Oh I've killed people like you in Vietnam war!!" It doesn't matter that I am not a Vietnamese. As long as I'm an Asian, I'm just like Vietnamese to these hatred people. But that doesn't mean I should go on and hate all white people just because of that. Some of people that I think are the greatest people happen to be white. I've seen this behavior not just in racism, but also audism (discrimination regarding our hearing status)as well. I've seen a lot of deaf people being oppressed by hearing people, and vice versa. Growing up in hearing schools all my life, I've learned to lipreading, and mouthing to every word I signed, and I've often run into other deaf people where they'd gone all hardcore on me about why I'm allowing hearing people oppressing me, and why I'd lose my deaf pride, and all that. It's not about that. I'm deaf, and I use sign language every day. But I can't expect all hearing people to learn sign language because there are so many languages around the world. American Sign Language shouldn't be treated as a special language and that everyone in the world shouldn't be required to learn this as their first language. Deaf people complained about how hearing people tried to push this speech therapy, and all shit on them, and that they should allow Deaf people learn their own first language, which is ASL. Yet, deaf people expect hearing people to learn ASL as if it's their first language. It isn't their first language, period. Plus, if I make every effort to reject anything that has to do with hearing world, I'd have to reject my entire family, and even my own daughter. WTF? Like they can't change the fact that deafness is part of who I am, I cannot change the fact that hearing is part of who they are. Sadly, I've seen a lot of deaf parents who wish all the time that their kids are deaf, instead...just like I've seen a lot of hearing parents who wish that their kids are hearing...letting doctors performing cochlear implants on them when they were infants, which could be a traumatic experience for those poor little infants. I love my daughter the way she is, and hopefully she'll love me the way I am. That's how everyone should look at their kids.

What I'd love to see is united, and equality. It doesn't matter what race we are, whether we're hearing or deaf, regardless of our gender or even orientation preference. Who the fuck cares?

We've seriously discussed our future plans because it helps us to be motivated when we envision our future.

Our decision has been made.

We'll go to Boston University together once we have enough credits to transfer. There, we'll attain our BA and MA degrees. So we'll be in Boston for a quite while. The reason why we chose Boston University is because beside Gallaudet University, Boston University is the only college that offers MA degree for the major that I'm about to declare as my major. Plus, I've heard that Boston is a great place to raise a kid.

Of course, we're planning to move back here in California once we get our degrees because we've always believed in raising our kid(s) close to both of our families.

We realize that many people will not be happy with this decision. I mean, my family enjoy Jeni so much that they love the fact that they get to see her and play with her every day ever since the birth. B's family loves the fact that they get to see Jeni sometimes, and that we aren't as far as...Boston. I'm sure that those who haven't really made much effort to see Jeni will regret it once we relocate to Boston, and it's not our fault either. We've made every effort, so we're pretty done with that. We just appreciate my family and B's family and our friends who have made effort to be involved with Jeni's life right now.

Ultimately, we're doing what we think is best for this Ngov-Muheim family. We want to provide a better life for our kid(s). So we want to have the best education, and get a great career out of it. We're very excited about it, and we're working our butts off to make that happen soon.

Here's to a great future.

Oh, and I wanted to share about this book called "The Secret." I haven't started reading it yet but I read on Oprah and the concept is really interesting. I honestly believe it because when I look back, I noticed that good things happened when I think positively, and bad things happened when I think negatively. The proof is in science. Our body/mind/everything is made of energy. Positive attract positive. Remember science? So, I really do believe in that and will have to keep up with thinking positive.

I remember when I attempted suicide back in 2005, I always thought, "Why me?" It seemed like I've suffered a bad incident after another ever since I was 11 years old when the molestation began. It worsened when my family began to take me to rituals because I felt like they would not allow themselves to love me till I miraculously am able to hear. I've attempted sucides quite often, especially in high school. It was one of reasons why I often missed days of school, or showed up extremely ill because I'd attempt overdose. But I've never told anyone. I remember every time I'd attempt overdose, but I'd vomit violently afterward and my mom always thought I had a stomach flu or something, so she kept on giving me more medicine. I feel bad about that now because I know she was just trying to make me feel better, trying to be a good mother, not knowing that more medicine could've made it lethal. After that last time I attempted suicide, my family finally found out about my depression, and it suddenly wasn't a secret that I've been trying to kill myself for a long time anymore, I ended up in the hospital and having my stomach pumped out...and then spent days in mental hospital. It wasn't funny. I guess I took so much more pills than I've ever had last time that if I didn't make it to the hospital 30 minutes later, I would've died. That was when I realized that I had to get my shit together, and be better. So that was when I made a decision to stop smoking weed, stop getting drunk and try to live a healthy life. I didn't want to keep pushing my luck with death anymore. March 28, 2005 was the last time I had smoked weed or had an alcohol beverage. That's why I often said no to alcohol every time my friends beg me to go out with them and get drunk, especially now that I'm a mother to this beautiful innocent girl who deserve to have a full happy life. I want to maintain my daughter's innocence.

Shortly after that suicide attempt, I began to desire a great life for myself, and wanted to be a mom so badly. I don't know, maybe after feeling better about myself, I began to have this great desire to create a life so I could expand my heart to love more. I decided to go back to school, but ended up getting pregnant. That was when I was blessed with Jeni. After that last suicide attempt, I began to change my ways of thinking, and good things came after that. I have a great family support. I don't know why I was so blind to it all these years. I started appreciate it and guess what? Good things do come.

It's possible that we can be at wrong place at wrong time, like my molestation. But we cannot think, "Why me?" because that will worsens things in our lives. We have to think positive. Like, we have to think, "Ok, things happen. But it will get better. It will be okay somehow." So many great thinkers practice this. Look at Mother Theresa. She understood this concept, when she said, "Don't invite me to Anti-War protest. But if there's a Pro-Peace rally, I'd like to come."

My fiancee is pemissistic person, but he's trying his best to change his ways of thinking so more good things will come, epsecially for our daughter. Every time he says something that's pemissistic, I'd remind him. He'd remind me too.

Here's to a great life.

She's going to be 14 months old this Friday.


I tried Elimination Communication method just moments ago to test it out. I was looking at schedules that babies usually go to bathroom. After I nursed her, I decided to try and get her familiarize with potty again because she wouldn't go there in the past.
Guess what? She relieved it on her little potty! I wish I'd taken pictures of her first time going potty, though, for B. :( I will have to do that next time.

I'm so excited to be switching to cloth diapers (they say that it encourages potty training) and to do this Elimination Communication method.


I recommend y'all to read "The Diaper Free Baby" by Christine Gross-Loh. Babies can be diaper free from the birth. That'd save tons of money, AND diaper rash! The best thing about Elimination Communication is that you can either do it full time, part time, or occasional and it won't confuse the babies. It will still encourage the babies to trust their natural instincts when it comes down to going to bathroom and all.


I'm so going to do Elimination Communication method and cloth diapers with all of my future kids, starting now with Jeni. What I will do now is start slow with cloth diapers, but I will need to tune in more to Jeni's cues to go to bathroom, and will need to take it off and let her go potty. I will keep cloth diapers, especially when we're on the go, and nighttime, to avoid accidents, or whatsoever. I will use it less and less when Jeni learns to not have accidents or whatever. I'm THRILLED!

I'm going to definitely watch closely to Jeni's schedule and keep up with it. Hopefully, Jeni will start sign "bathroom" soon, so she can start telling me every time she needs to go potty.

Go to www.diaperfreebaby.org for a lot of good information there!

I started my summer class on Tuesday. I left 3 hours before it would begin, because it takes an hour to get there, and I figure I'd be there early enough to find the classroom and just have plenty of time because I didn't want to take a chance of being late to school on the first day.

GUESS WHAT? 

I was 30 freakin' minutes late to school! I was stuck in long ass traffic because there was a huge fire on the side of freeway in Dixon area. Go figures. I was getting pissy and almost gave up and was about to turn around and go back home...but then I saw they closed one lane and it looked like they just finally put the fire out and was cleaning the whole thing up. Still, damn the traffic started at Fairfield...and it took me over 30 minutes to just pass by Vacaville when it should've been about 10 minutes. Damn all this high heat and dry grass!! 

Anyway, I thought I'd write a blog now because I've got about an hour to kill. Jeni's down for her naptime. I'm leaving even early today because I've got to buy books at ARC because the ones at Border's cost 75 bucks just for one book! That's just absolutely ridiculous. The one at Barnes and Noble cost 20 bucks. But they didn't have them in store, so I have to go to ARC's bookstore to buy them, but it is about same price as Barnes and Noble, which is good. 

I'm really excited. I loved my prof. He was really funny and friendly. It puts my heart at ease when I'm surrounded by kind-hearted people. I don't handle mean people really well.  I've been around mean people for too long, and I think that was one of things that fueled my depression. Ever since I had Jeni, I couldn't associate myself with bad people because it would affect my child, and I just couldn't allow that to happen. And I'm so glad that I made that decision because I'm much much happier now that I'm around such sweet people who have no intentions of hurting anyone. 

I was going through some really tough time recently, though. I was so bummed out by the recent incident that I will not be talking about here, but it caused me to cry at night. I was trying to keep it quiet but Brandon caught me and wanted to know what was going on. I couldn't speak about it because I didn't think it was a right thing for a mother to say. I was so hurt that I knew that if Jeni wasn't here, I would be back in suicidal mode. But I got a incredible urge to self-mutilate again, and I was completely disappointed in myself for feeling that way because it has been over 2 years since I have felt that way. I defeated that urge on that night, and haven't had that urge again since then, but still, I felt so guilty for feeling that way because I never wanted my children to have a depressed mother. 

Brandon and I also had one of most important conversations in our relationship the other night. He asked me if I thought we'd make it. I was completely honest with him, and told him that I didn't think we'd make it because there are too many damages in our relationship. If we don't make it, I'm totally done with relationships because I'm not interested in having more than one baby daddy. It's just not something I had in my mind when I envisioned my future. I told him that I am not prepared to walk into the marriage the same way I walked into the relationship with him. I came into the relationship with so many doubts, and I was absolutely confused because of how he treated me, especially in the same summer he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was one of main reasons why I've left the relationship twice. I told him that I'm the type of girl who wants to feel like I'm the only one in his eyes, and that was not how he made me feel because of Bailey, Coral, Nancy, and yes, my own best friend, Twyla. I asked him questions, and wanted a closure, but he would just give me half ass answers, and expected me to let it all go. But I knew he was hiding so much more and wouldn't tell me. I knew every time he was lying to me. I always busted him in lies. I know truth hurts, but it's very important for me to understand why he did things, in order for me to have a closure with the past. He finally answered all the questions in full truth. Even though it has been nearly 5 years late, I finally got my closure with the past, and I'm much happier now in the relationship with him, and I'm more in love. I mean, of course I don't like his answers but I appreciate the honesty far more than lies itself. I've been asking for the honesty from the day one. I now can see us making it. Of course, I'm still not all for the marriage yet because I need to see if he'd be willing to put much effort as I have in our relationship, especially romance part because I'm the type of girl who's romantic. I need romance things. I try to provide him with what he needs, so I definitely need him to provide me with what I need. I was really hurt by his proposal because of how he asked, "I might as well ask you now." So when we had that conversation, and he asked, "Will you stay with me still?" to which I replied, "I might as well stay with you." He FINALLY realized how fucked up he was with the proposal and understood that it was so lame thing to say. That fool better make it up to me this time. 

Oh, and the other night, I've been thinking about writing. I have a several novel ideas that I want to write. I have began writing some of things down. I also have some ideas for children's stories as well because I'd love to write stories for my darling daughter. I actually have some ideas to write a story to help her understand, such as being a CODA (child of a deaf adult), and things like that. I'm definitely looking forward to write again. 

Anyway, I better leave and get ready for school. I will write about my 4th of July and the party at Moen's house later tonight when I'm back from school, and will try to post some more pictures as well. 

Today, I received a letter and final forms to fill out for this job position at California School for Deaf: Fremont. I applied for that job last month, and was waiting to hear from them. I have to finish this forms before I can take the written/oral test. So hopefully, I'll be able to get this job.

If I get the job, Brandon is going to look for a new job in that area, and we'll be moving to Fremont. I think it will be awesome to start over. But we'll see if I do get this job. *crosses fingers*

Anyway, tomorrow, we'll be going to Six Flags' Discovery Kingdom for 4th of July. It's a family friendly, and they do fireworks. So I think Jeni will enjoy that. On Saturday, we'll be going to one of Brandon's aunts from his father's side for this potluck. There'll be about 100 people there. I'm kind of nervous because I've only met one uncle and his family from Brandon's father's side. I actually have met this aunt and her kids once at his uncle's house for Christmas Eve dinner. Still, I'm nervous. I've gotten quite very comfortable with Brandon's Aunt Kelly, and her family. I actually call her my mother in law, and Brandon's cousins Nikki and Nisey my sister in laws. I only wish I've known them before I got pregnant. Anyhoo, I'm really excited because this will be her first 4th of July out of the house since last year, she was barely 1 month old, and was just too young to be out of house in hot summer, and especially with all those loud noises going on around. It's really easy for such infants to have their ear drums damaged by loud noises. I mean, I am fine with it if my kids turn out to be deaf, but if they were born hearing, I'd like to keep it that way because we face too many of hardships. I don't want my children to face so many obstacles...discriminations...hardships...especially such limited of career opportunities. It can suck ass.

I've been talking to Brandon...I seriously need a night out. I haven't been out at night without Jeni since she was born, and I'm not kidding about that. Sure, I've been away from her for a few hours...but that's because I was working, or schooling. Speaking of school, I'm starting my class for summer soon on the 8th. I'm kind of excited, but at the same time, I'm kind of nervous. I already enrolled full time for this Fall semester. But if I do get a job at Fremont, I'll drop my classes for the Fall semester, and enroll at community college over there in Fremont.

Anyway, I'll post more pictures later this weekend. Have a great and safe 4th of July, people! 

I know...it's about time that I've updated. It was little hard to do that when I was juggling school, work and taking care of a baby...oh let's not forget about planning my darling daughter's 1st birthday all at once. (And yes, I'm still nursing her, and I'm loving it.)

Now that school's out (until summer session begins, that is), Jeni's 1st birthday party has passed, I'm not currently working at the moment (although, I'm job hunting...if you hear any place that is hiring, let me know!), and even though that Jeni's getting over being sick slowly (she got this nasty virus, which caused her to vomit, and have diaherra and fever on Friday, and the pediatrician said that this type of virus usually last about a week to 10 days), she's napping right now...I thought I'd take advantage of this time to do an update and maybe try to post some of pictures. It wouldn't be as many pictures, but I'll try my best.

Jeni's 1st birthday party was just absolutely wonderful. Thanks once again to everyone who helped to make this party wonderful. We rented Disney Princesses Castle jumper house, and snow cone machine for this party. It was TinkerBell theme but we couldn't find Tinkerbell jumper house, so we had to choose Disney Princesses Castle design since Disney Princesses is a big thing for girls right now. We had so many people coming over, probably at least 60 adults and plus at least 30 kids. I know that we had more girls than boys at this party, even though according to RSVP, I was expecting more boys because when I handed out a party favor to all kids, I ran out of ones for girls, and still had about 11 bags left over for boys. So I gave those extra favor bags to one of my good friends when I went to her daughter's 1st birthday party a week later. Anyway, we had two half sheet cakes with two different Tinkerbell designs. Both were made of whip cream, instead of frosting, so it's a lot more healthier that way. We still have some of decorations up in our house, by the way because my grandmother insists that we leave it up there because it seems to entertain my daughter a lot. It's very ironic and sweet to see how my family treats my daughter. It's completely different than how I and my siblings were raised. Jeni's being raised with a lot of love...sometimes I'm little worried because she has been very spoiled brat. But she's starting to get better because I've been teaching her manners, and have gotten her to sign "Thank you," every time someone give something to her.  A few months ago, she wouldn't ever give something to anybody. But we've finally got her to learn to give, and now that's all she does, give. She'd always give food to us, instead of feeding herself. We'd always say, "thank you but no thank you," and she'll start feeding herself. It's so cute. 

She have learned a lot of sign language. After her birthday party, Jeni started to explore her new toys, and I saw it as a perfect opportunity to teach her new signs. For example, she learned the sign, "motorcycle" when I pointed to Barbie ATV that my SIL Nikki got for Jeni. So now if you ask her, "What is that?" and point to that ATV, she'll sign "motorcycle." I love it when she picks up on a lot of sign language. But that means I've got to watch what I say around her because there were a lot of sign language that she picked up on where I didn't even try to teach her. Like, when I saw her walking into other room, and I yelled out, "Where are you going?" and she signed "where." I was completely blown away by that. She picked up the sign for "crazy," too. Oh, and just shortly after she turned 1 year old, she started to throw away her own diapers! It's so cool to watch the little one growing up and being a big girl all of a sudden. At the same time, I wish she would stay newborn forever.

Brandon and I are way behind on many things, like planning a wedding...getting our own place. We're enrolled in school so we could finish and get a degree, then have a fabulous job. We haven't set a date for our wedding, or make any plans on buying our own place. I applied for teaching assistant position in Fremont. So if I get that job, we're going to move there. I'm still looking around for jobs in Sacramento, though because I know that both of us want to be close to both my family and his family. We really want our child(ren) to grow up close to relatives. 

Anyway, Jeni finally started to grow her 3rd and 4th teeth!! About time!! It feels like I've been waiting forever for her to spout a tooth! And yes, I'm still nursing her! Babies don't use their teeth to suck. They use their tongues, so of course I'm not worried about her biting me. Do not believe the myth!! If they do bite, it's always for a reason. Like, if they don't feel being really secure...like they might fall off. Or they are just not hungry anymore. Or they are teething, so they bite to comfort themselves. There can be medical conditions that cause them like thrust, or whatever. So be careful and pay attention.

Last night, I told Brandon that I really miss having a newborn, and that I miss being pregnant. I told him about how I cannot wait to have a water birth for next kid. I wanted to do a water birth with Jeni, but Brandon was overly paranoid and insisted that I have a birth at the hospital where all doctors will be at. I should have throw a tantrum and fight him till he cave in, because I know I would've gotten him to cave in, but I guess I didn't want him to be all paranoid. When he's all paranoid, he tend to get a huge migrane headache. Sometimes, I think he's faking it to get his way. Hmmmm. Haha. I told him that I think it would've been so cool to be pregnant with sextuplets, and I would attempt to breastfeed them all, and use cloth diapers on them all. Haha, I know he wouldn't want to have multiples, especially the fact that he hates being a twin when he was growing up. Still, I think it would've been cool to be a mom of multiples. Anyway, originally, Brandon said that we can't try for another baby till Jeni's 3 years old at least. But I whined about how I missed it every day, so he decided to try for another one when Jeni's 2 years old. YAY! I totally want to have a boy this time. 

P.S. I'm having little trouble uploading pictures here on this blog for some reason. If you have either Myspace or Facebook, you can check the pictures out. Sorry for another blog without pictures! I'll keep working on fixing this problem, though. 

Today, Jeni had her first Soy Milk. She actually loves it. So I'm glad. Oh, also, I pumped this morning when I arrived at work, and managed to get 6 ounces in one pumping session. I'm very relieved that my milk supply has come back. When I was asking my breastfeeding group, so many of them asked if I was pregnant, or if my period was coming back because they say that can cause my milk supply to drop for temporary.

I tested for pregnancy last night, and of course it was negative. I have to say, though, that I'm half disappointed about that. I mean, I'd love to have another baby, but at the same time, I know that we aren't ready for a second baby, yet. So, we've got a couple of years to go, and then we'll see. As for my periods, I only had 2 periods in 2 years. Yes, just two periods in 2 whole years. I was pregnant for 39 weeks, and then I have been breastfeeding Jeni to present. I think I probably wouldn't have had any periods if it wasn't for mini birth control pill. It's not as strong as regular birth control pill, though. If I was on regular birth control, it would probably regulate my cycle, and I would probably have my period every month, but because it affects my breastmilk. So I chose mini birth control pill instead.

Anyway, I know that I was supposed to post pictures, but I'm uploading them on imageshack website, so I don't lose them. I saved a lot of pictures on my Mac laptop but I lost some of them because its harddrive failed. So, I don't want to take the chance again. Once I'm done with them, I'll start posting the pictures here. I also have a lot of videos to upload as well. So I'll start posting videos eventually when I'm done with the pictures.

Oh, I have another funny story to share with you guys. Jeni started eating adult-like food a while ago but without any bad stuff in it like salt, sugar, or whatever. She have been wanting to self-feed, but both my grandma and mom wouldn't stand for it. They didn't want there to be any mess. If you're an Asian, you know what I'm talking about lol. They'd flip out and scream, "CRAZY AMERICAN KID!" Jeni have been playing with her own spoon and bowl while we were feeding her, so she'd think she was self-feeding. But one day, she was still walking around with a spoon, and she was starting to fuss. She tried to pull my shirt over because she wants my milk. So I pulled my shirt over, and snapped the bra off. She started to spoon my nipple! I was like, "Jeni, what are you doing?!" I couldn't stop laughing.

As I have mentioned before that Jeni knows some sign language, she just learned to sign "banana." I've noticed that she understands some things. Like, if you say, "go to sleep" in Chinese, she'll drop to floor and lay her head on the floor. If you say, "go get hello," she'll go and grab the phone. Don't ask me why my grandma and mom refers the phone as "hello." Anyway, I've been watching the signs of whether she's ready to be potty trained or not. She has showed the signs that she's ready. She understands the commands, so we can tell her to go to bathroom. Actually, she'll go into the bathroom to take a bath if we tell her to go there for a bath. She can run steadily now. So, we're going to buy potty for her, and start training. I think we may take Baby Signs Program's Potty Training class soon. But we'll see. The reason is, I'm doing this also for environmental reasons. I know that it takes hella years for disposable diapers to dissolve, and there are way too many. Before disposable diapers were invented, 95% of American kids were potty trained by the time they turned 1. So it's definitely possible for the children to be potty trained by the time they turn 1. Just like formula, we're brain washed that it isn't possible, and we shouldn't be rushed to potty train them. It's only because disposable disapers companies want us to use more diapers, so they could be filthy wealthy. I mean, they even make diapers for 6 years old! What the hell? My youngest brother was finally potty trained when he was 6 years old. Frankly, I don't want to deal with any more of diapers right now. I'd like for Jeni to be potty trained by now.

Anyway, I better start packing, because we're going to Shingletown tomorrow for sort of remembrance service thing for Grandparents King, who have passed away while I was pregnant with Jeni.

Again, sorry for no pictures blog.

Wow, I haven't updated in a quite while!! I didn't realize that. Dang. Well, let's see. I have so many things to write about.

Jeni took her first steps on Jan. 20th, and then she took it as far as 4 steps on the 4th of April. She did 6 and 7 steps on the 5th. She did 9 steps two nights ago. She did 13 and 17 steps last night! What I meant is that she took those steps straight without falling once. We did not force her to walk, or bribe her to do so. It just happened. Then we started to bribe her so we could record it on the video because every time she sees a camera, she freezes. At 10 months and half, she stopped crawling completely! She walks everywhere now. Like my friend said, independence is a huge milestone. She's starting to want to walk when we're out in public instead of having me hold her around. This is making me very nervous, especially when I can't hear her if she screams, "Mommy!" I'm scared about this world. It isn't exactly all friendly. I guess I'll have to get one of those child leashes. I mean, if I turn around one second, I won't be able to hear her cry for help in case of emergency. I know that not many parents agree with child leash, but under exceptional circumstances, you have to understand.

I've began to pump daily now. I stopped pumping daily when I stopped working. But now that I'm in school, and will have to return to campus as a full time student this summer or fall semester, I'll have to start building my milk stack once again. So far, I've pumped over 45 ounces of milk and stored them in freezer. They are good for 6 to 9 months. I will continue with pumping daily. I only pump twice a day, though because I try to breastfeed Jeni directly also. I'm aiming for 2 years of breastfeeding Jeni. I know that some people say it's gross to be breastfeeding a child who can say, "More milk!" Hell, Jeni can sign "milk," but it isn't gross to you, right now because babies aren't supposed to be off breastmilk/formula milk till at least a year. What's the difference? It's so funny how I still get a reaction when people see that I'm still breastfeeding Jeni at 11 months. "WHAT? You're still breastfeeding her?" People are feeding their babies formula milk till 12 months, yet no one gives them a shocking reaction. What's difference between me and them? America is such formula loving culture, I swear, and that bugs me so much. But at least the rate of breastfeeding is continuing to rise. Yay. People say that we, breastfeeding mothers, are such judgmental. Um, so are you guys for giving us dirty look for breastfeeding our babies beyond 6 months...or breastfeeding them in public without covering them up. You go ahead and try eat under the blanket. If you don't like it, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK BABIES FEEL? 

I signed up for Baby Signs Program's More Sign, Say and Play class. We had our first class on recent Monday. I know that there are a lot of mixed feelings about this Baby Signs Program in Deaf world. My reason for taking this class is because I've met some hearing babies with hearing parents who could sign at early age, while I've met a lot of CODAs (child of deaf adults) who couldn't sign for shit. I was concerned that Jeni would end up being one of those CODAs, especially the fact she only have one deaf parent. I wanted to have children who could communicate with me fluently without any language barrier. Even though Brandon and I have been together for nearly 5 years and have known each other for nearly 10 years, we still experience language barriers at certain degree. However, I have talked to other hearing people who are linguists in this baby sign language community I've recently joined. They said that I shouldn't join Baby Signs Program because it is designed for hearing babies to use till they've become vocal. It isn't ideal for hearing babies who will need to use it for their life, esp with deaf parents. They say that if I teach Jeni modified baby signs, she'll grow up with it and be using "broken ASL." That makes sense to me. I haven't teach her any modified sign language, though. So I will just continue using fluent ASL, and continue taking that class because it is hard to find any playgroup around here, or any Mommy and Me classes in my area. I live in Fairfield. I will need to take Stroller Stride class soon, though. I'm trying to figure out how to get an interpreter because soon Brandon and I will be starting our summer classes. He's taking his in the mornings before he goes to work, while I will have to start mine in afternoons since my mom needs to use my car to work in the mornings. Damn Henry for totaling my mom's car, AND his new STI car within one year...not even half a year!! BOYS! That's one of reasons why I didn't want to have a son! 

Oh, last night, I broke down, and cried while I was pumping. I was just having a nervous breakdown, I guess. I was so stressed, and very sleep deprived. I did not nap during daytime anymore, and just barely slept much during the night. Every day, I've been busting my ass studying for math placement because I completely forget everything that I've ever learned in math classes since I haven't used math in many years! I've been also doing a lot of research for my finals paper. I recently started working every day because my dad's gone in Cambodia till little before Jeni's 1st birthday party. I've been planning the party for Jeni's birthday like crazy. I started to struggle with pumping so badly after Jeni got sick with the worst fever she ever had. She started to cough really bad and didn't feel well around 10 months and half. She would cough and choke in her sleep. So we had to keep our eye on her. It has been like that for a week, and then she suddenly got the worst fever ever. It went as high as 102, and it wouldn't back down for 4 days. It finally broke, but then the rash immediately followed. She had all of us scared. We had to take her to the pediatric's office, and the pediatric assured us that it was completely normal for infants who had a fever from some type of virus. So the rash was like the final stage. So we missed two Baby Signs classes because of her sickness. My poor baby girl. Anyway, I've been nursing Jeni every hour because she was so sick, and when babies are sick, they get dehydrated so easily. If it wasn't for breastmilk, they would've gone to the hospital for dehydration. I've been nursing her every hour, and went through my freeze stash, also. She was screaming like she was in unbelievable pain. It'd take an hour or so to calm her down each time she screams. It'd be like this all day, and all night. It was worse than the newborn schedule. So when she finally got better, I started to pump...but so little milk came out. I was so dry up here. So I had to start eating oatmeal three times a day, not counting those 3 meals. I had to drink tons of water and Gatorade to try and build my milk supply up. Last night, I found out that my grandma used one bag of expressed breastmilk from freezer stash, I totally flipped out. I was so stressed. I told my grandma millions of time to not use breastmilk if I'm home. I'm to breastfeed Jeni directly. I know she only meant well, but the breastmilk is just such precious, and nursing Jeni for at least 2 years means everything to me. Breastfeeding relationship is just so important to me. I'm so determined to nurse her, and finish school, and helping out in the family business all at once. So today, I talked to some of women in my breastfeeding group. They said a lack of sleep can affect my milk supply, and at this age, I can introduce Jeni to soy milk only when I'm not home, and then I can nurse her when I'm home since she's getting older now. One of them suggested for me to drink mother's milk tea to help build my supply up, so I will do that, and try to sleep on regular basis.

Anyway, I know that I have hella pictures to catch up. I will just break them down and write a several blogs today since I'm having a bit of writer's block right now on this research paper at the moment. So hopefully, writing nonsense stuff will help to unblock that writer's block somehow, then I can try and finish it before this Friday.

I was watching My Fair Brady: Maybe a Baby?

There was an episode where Adrianne Curry had photograph shoot session with one of her female friends...nude for her husband Christopher Knight's birthday.

Chris flipped out when he opened his gift and said those photos frightened him because he feared that she'd leave him for another woman. He questioned her love for him. He left to check in other motel while Adrianne cried in bathroom in the cabin they rented for Chris' birthday.

Chris called their marriage counselor and told him what happened.

His counselor said something that made me realize about myself.

There's an possible explanation for Adrianne's overly affection with women. She was abducted and molested as a child by men, correct? Every time she was hurt, who did she run to? Her mother, and grandmother, and aunt (or something like that) for comfort and security every time. Have you thought that perhaps she goes to women for those reasons?

Do I find women attractive, physically? Yes, I do. I will be honest, in general, I do find women more attractive than I do find men. I pay more attention to women than I do to men. Brandon's probably one of a very few men I find very attractive.

Is it because I see women as comfort/security? Maybe, who knows?

But this doesn't mean I'm proclaiming myself as a straight woman. I still do see myself as a bisexual, but I fell in love with this person..who happens to be a man.

If I fell in love with a woman, does that mean I'm full-blown lesbian? I don't think so.

I go both way...but the love of my life happens to be Brandon. If he were a woman, I'd still love him just as much and stay faithful to him.

This has nothing to do with Jeni. Mostly, with my insecurities.

Lately, I have been having a lot of dreams. I honestly don't know what have triggered them.

I think, perhaps I've been trying so hard to push all of my insecurities/bad feelings away because I wanted to be so happy. I'm SUPPOSED to be happy, after all...I got blessed with this beautiful little girl that I actually helped to create. Why would I be sad? I know that in all the books, many mothers felt guilty if they aren't JOYFUL 24/7 because it'd mean they're a terrible mother.

I mean, sure there are always hard times in motherhood. I haven't even gone out with friends without Jeni 'cause either Brandon's working or I just don't want to dump the responsibility on my grandmother. She's getting old, for heaven's sake. She raised her kids, then her grandchildren, and now she's helping to raise her great grandchild. That's a lot to ask. So that's why whenever I do go out to see friends, I bring Jeni with me. Jeni's my child...my responsibility. I got so mad at Brandon once because he went out with his coworkers after work. His job ended at 8:30pm, and it's an hour drive home. On that day, he picked wrong day because I've been up since 6am, and I've been struggling to get Jeni to sleep on that day because she was teething (and still is). I didn't have anyone to help me with Jeni on that day because my grandma was out of town. I was sleep deprived. Brandon didn't get home till nearly midnight...and he went straight to other room till past midnight. I had no idea he was home. I was so pissed off. Men...they wouldn't survive if they were to become mr. stay at home mom.

But overall, I'm really happy to be mother. It doesn't mean there aren't any tough moments along the way.

I am aware that I'm very insecure in my relationship.

I'm always having bizarre dreams about Brandon, or just myself.

For instance, I recently had a dream:
Brandon, Jeni and I were lying on our bed in this house where you can see sun shine through the window. Brandon was on my left, and Jeni was cooing and playing on my right.

Suddenly, Brandon's new boyfriend came on my right, and started to play with Jeni. I was filled with rage, and jealousy. So I pulled Jeni away from him, and put her in between Brandon and me. I looked at Brandon, and asked:
"Be honest with me...are you only with me because I'm capable of having babies?"

He replied, "Yes."

I was so hurt.

I waited till Brandon and his new boyfriend left to go out. I packed everything for both Jeni and I. Then I put Jeni in our car, along with all of our things. I drove off. We escaped together...and eventually hid in Cambodia where USA cannot touch us. So they can't take Jeni away from me through the courts.

I so know that Brandon's 100% straight, and even if he's bi, I know he would never leave me. I guess I've always been insecure in relationships, especially with him 'cause I am sure I have got issues of abandonment or something.

I also had another dream...that had to do with my experiences of being molested:
Grissom from CSI: Las Vegas show and his wife adopted me when I was little.

Grissom, and his wife were dancing while I was eating my dinner with Brandon and Henry somewhere in Asia.

Grissom's wife seemed to be distancing herself from him. He noticed it and was quite upset about it. So he left to his hotel room. His wife continued dancing with other people.

I was conversing with Brandon and Henry about odd food in Asia. Then I saw other people eating snakes. I saw this insane huge snake. "I have got to go get my camera and take a picture of that snake!" I told Brandon.

I thought about where I could've left my camera. It's in my purse...that I left in my "adopted" parents' hotel room.

I ran there, and searched everywhere for my purse while Grissom was asleep in the bed with TV on.

I was frustrated that I couldn't find my purse. So I decided to return to dinner. I kissed Grissom a good night kiss before I was about to leave for the dinner. He woke up, and asked me to cuddle with him for a little bit. So I jumped in the bed and cuddled with him.

He started to get a little bit too close than a father should be. It was becoming awkward for me. So I got out of the bed, and he followed me. He carried me over to the couch. We both sat down on the couch, and then he was starting to caress my body, or something like that. He was just humping against my body. I was getting way uncomfortable about it, but at the same time, I was becoming aroused by this. When I felt his boner, I told him that I better leave.

His wife walked in the room, completely unaware of what was going on, and kissed me, and asked me how I was. I told her I was fine, and that I was looking for my purse but couldn't find it.

She said she remembered seeing it somewhere in the room, and started looking for it.

I was so anxious to get out of there, so I told her it was all right and that I'd come back and look for it again some other time. I kissed her good night, and then kissed Grissom good night.

As I was about to exit the hotel room, Grissom grabbed my arm, and asked, "What did you want for your birthday?"

It was as if he's bribing me, in exchange for my affections as a lover.

It is like, no matter what would've happened in my childhood, I'd get molested by anyone either way.

So I searched for deaf therapists that I could talk to. I couldn't find one here in California, but came across this website where there are like three or four deaf psychotherapists working together in their own business. Unfortunately, their offices are in Maryland.

I e-mailed them anyway and asked if they could refer me to any deaf therapist in my area, and thanked them for the help.

Not even half hour later, one of them e-mailed me back and said that they offer counseling through videophones. So I could have a session with them right here at home in privacy through videophone if I want to.

That sounds fantastic! I e-mailed Sorenson again to fix my videophone. So as soon as they fix it, I will be able to start sessions with them and see how it goes from there.

I'm determined to be a better person, for my sake...but especially for Jeni's sake.

I'm anxiously to find out the results of my grandmother's mammogram. Her breast and armpit were swollen, so her doctor ordered a mammogram. I'm desperately hoping that it's nothing. It's weird, I've always thought that my grandma would live forever. Like dying isn't an option for her. I hope that she'd live to see her great great grandchild. That may be pushing it but I kind of have a high expectation of her living that long because her great grandmother lived till she was 106 years old. Her grandparents lived till they were in their late 90's. Her parents probably would've lived a long life if it wasn't for the genocide in Cambodia. My grandmother is only 67 years old. She still have at least thirty years to go.

Anyway, Jeni has been learning new things every day. I totally forgot to update on that in the previous entry. Sorry about that, folks. Let's see. I don't remember what was the last thing I updated about Jeni's milestones. Hm, on Feb. 1st, she had her first beef and carrots. Then on 5th, she had her first sweet potatoes (she wasn't crazy about it). On the 6th, she experienced her first Chinese New Year Eve party. On 8th, she had a few nibbles of chicken feet given by her Great Grandma Pea, despites my protests. On the 10th, she learned to clap, and now she claps whenever she's happy or hears music every time. Oh also, she learned to say "Mom" in American Sign Language!! My heart nearly stopped because Brandon and I were in shock 'cause it felt like we were trying to teach her to sign since forever. On the 14th, of course it's her first Valentine's Day. On the 17th, she had her first squash with pork. On that same day, it was her first visit to Scandia (the family center). On the 18th, she had her first plums. On the 19th, she learned to blow out, taught by her Grandma Kim. On the 20th, she learned to crawl up on the stairs (with supervision of course). But she only got as far as three steps though. Hm, yeah that's it so far that I've marked on the calender. I also recently weighed her...she's 16lbs and 8oz now! She finally grew to 26 inches! I'm thrilled. Oh yeah, whenever she sees an opportunity, like wall or furniture, she'd get up on wall or furniture and use those to assist herself to walk. I will have to upload the video and post it here so y'all can see what I'm talking about. She'd rather use those opportunities to walk, instead of crawling.

However, she's totally spoiled brat. Brandon and I aren't happy about that. For instance, when we first started Jeni on her solid foods, I always sat her in her boost seat for every meal. She was totally fine with it, and behaved. However, ever since her Grandma and Great Grandma came back from Cambodia, they loved to feed her, and always let her play on floor while eating!! I wanted to separate play time and meal time. So, now Jeni throws an tantrum if we try to seat her in boost seat for the meal time. I'm so frustrated with this. Now Grandma and Great Grandma are complaining about how spoiled she is. Whose fault is that?! I told them that Jeni was totally good baby when it was just me. She'd scream if she can't get through past you to go wherever she wants to go. Or do what she wants to do. She even would scratch all over you, and pull your hair!

I did research on appropriate punishment for Jeni's age. I found a several interesting things. They said not to punish babies because in their fresh mind, getting what they wants means they're loved. So I'm trying not to scar her psychologically. They suggest to keep up with changing Jeni's habits, and they said we just need to be patient and our work will be paid off. So, we just have to keep on trying with boost seat till she gets used to it again. I so desperately don't want a spoiled brat on my hand because I've been through nearly 14 years of spoiled brat on my hand (my youngest brother). There's no way I can deal with another Ben.

This reminds me, I've noticed that some mothers would argue with me about some issues, especially breastfeeding. They'd argue that it's okay to stop breastfeeding at just 4 months. They argue about how we, extended nursing mothers, are judgmental. Yet...they're judging us...basically saying it's stupid for us to extend our nursing. What a hypocrite! They kept on saying that THEIR doctor said it's pointless to go beyond 6 months of nursing. Not every pediatric/doctor is updated on new informations. Back then, it was thought that formula was the best. After the results of that mistake, now new doctors/nurses are trying to encourage nursing. In my breastfeeding class, the nurse was the presenter and she said that she's still in nursing school and she said she was learning about the benefits of breastfeeding in school. Hell, even America Associates of Pediatrics recommends at least one year of breastfeeding!! Whenever someone says their doctor said this and that, it makes me want to scream, "EDUCATE YOURSELF!" I don't rely on my daughter's pediatric for everything. There were some things that she suggested...I disagreed with. Sometimes, I'd research her suggestions before going ahead with it. AND...if you look closely, you'll notice that on every advertisement for formula has a label that reads, "Breastfeeding is the best. Talk to your doctor." You'll even see it in television commercials, magazine ADs, and even on their products!! It's exactly like saying cigarettes aren't bad, despite that damn general surgeon warning labels! What the hell? That's fine if you feel guilty about not being able to breastfeed your child or choose not to breastfeed your child...doesn't mean you've gotta go around, mis advertising about breastfeeding. Geez.

Some people nagged me about pacifiers. There's always two sides to everything. I did a research on pacificers. Did you know that using pacifiers while babies were asleep actually reduced the risks of SIDs? Because it forces them to learn to breath through their noses. The babies breathed through the cord inside our wombs, so they weren't excel at breathing through their noses yet. Pacifiers helps with that. You can't just believe every old myth. You got to do research yourself and then make an informed decision.

Brandon and I were talking the other day about what our future plans were. We decided that after I graduate from UC Davis, we will be moving down to Northridge (in SoCal), so he could attend a school there for his interpreting program and Sign Language Studies as well. Once he's finished with his school, we'll be moving back to Sacramento/Fairfield of course! That's where we intend to settle down because we would like our kids to grow up close to our families. I'm really excited about moving forward with our future.

I think I'm going to major in international affairs, and study to be a doula as well. I haven't decided if I want to be a labor, postpartum or both doula. I do know that I'd like to be lactation consultant also. I'm very excited to better myself, while being able to provide a better life for my daughter.

Anyway, I've been really busy lately because it seems like I've got a different homework assignment due every night except for weekends. This is sort of my 4 days weekend, but I still have got this big essay due on Tuesday. I've got a lot of ideas/brainstorm written down. Now, I just need to get my writing flow going and finish this essay. But I do love looking at my grades. I've got nearly perfect grade so far, and that definitely boost my confidence in myself, academic-wise. I've been dropping out a lot in the past if I even miss one class, or one homework assignment 'cause I've always been perfectionist growing up. But I'm trying to not let that bug me this time.

On Friday, I had to go to the meeting at my youngest brother's school because his counselor/therapist requested for all family members to come at the meeting to discuss the concerns regarding Ben. Apparently, he took a lot of changes really hard. I knew that my relationship with Ben has changed big time after I had Jeni. I guess he resents me for not being available to him 24/7, and he tried to resent me for the same reason and said it happened before I had Jeni...like when I was 16, 17, or 18 years old. I had to tell him that I was in high school, and during those years, it was crucial time because I was preparing for college. I had an extra class after school, so I didn't get home till 6pm, and then I still had to help Ben with his homework because I was the only one who could communicate with him at the time. Then after I came back from DC, I didn't live with my parents, so it was hard for me to be available to him 24/7. I gave him so much more attention than I did to my other two brothers, and I didn't think that was fair. I still drove to Fairfield and had him sleep over my place almost every weekend, and I took him with me to New York City and Washington, DC. Not many people would do that at my age with their very young sibling. He also resented against everyone else as well. It's a big adjustment for him because he was so used to having everything going his way. He was the baby of the family. Now he isn't. I understand it's hard for him, but at the same time, he's just 4 years away from being 18 years old. His maturity level is way behind, especially for his age.

The counselor agreed with me that Ben needs to be more understanding on his part, while we all need to help him adjusting to new changes.

He also didn't understand the concept of culture differences because he didn't like how my parents were. Like, in Cambodia, it's totally acceptable if parents spank their kids as a punishment. When Ben was younger, my parents would spank him once in a while if he behaved badly. It's a lot hard for us to accept it because we're the first generation here in this country, but I understood the culture clashes. I told Ben that he got it totally easy because my parents were a lot tougher on Steven, Henry and I than they were on him. And I told him that my parents improved a lot, and adjusted to American culture a quite while ago while Ben was still very young. I asked him why he thinks my parents grounds him, bans television/video game or whatever instead of spanking him? For Steven, Henry and me, it was ALL spanking.

After hearing him talking at this meeting, I was completely surprised by how spoiled he was. He even said my mom didn't care about him at all. I was so shocked to hear him say that because she works every single day to provide a better life for us. She only have 2 days off (Christmas and New Year). Yes, she works on Thanksgiving. And she still showers him with affection every day she sees him when he isn't in school. She would always demand for him to hug her back, give her a kiss or whatever. She still haven't changed her affections for him after I had Jeni. So, I was totally blown away by his statement.

It made me wonder...are kids this ungrateful nowadays? They take life for granted? I do know that not just kids in middle class or high class families are like this...even in low class families as well. I've seen that happening a lot. I was so surprised because I would've think kids in low class families would appreciate things even more. I grew up in low class family, but I appreciated everything so much more, and still do. I'll have to be really careful with my kids because I wouldn't want them to be unappreciative. I'd want them to appreciate the quality of life out there.

I was talking to my parents about what has been said at the meeting. I asked them how they felt about hearing those things. My dad started talking about how some things hurt him as a father. I was surprised because he never really show his emotions. So I never really figure him to be sensitive about certain things. He gave examples of what my brothers has said to him in the past that has hurt him as a father, and he said that he always kept on thinking, "Wait till you have your kids, and have them to say those things to you...then you'll know how hurtful they are." It made me wonder if I've said anything hurtful. I mean, I know that there were a few things I have said to him that made him shameful as a father, but beside that, I don't know. I also found out that my dad had a dream that someone kidnapped Jeni, and he woke up and cried so hard about it. I didn't know about it till my mom told me. It's so weird because growing up, my brothers and I always saw him as this emotional numb tough guy. We have always seen his hot temper but never has seen him cry, not even once. I mean, I know I would take it hard if my kid say something like that because I know I'd give everything I have to my kid...work like I've never had before just to give them everything what they need.

Anyway, here's pictures for y'all to enjoy:

I was posting something in breastfeeding and this lady left a comment on my entry, and I decided to check her lj out and found something totally heartwretching on her lj. I cannot imagine losing a child. I have a several friends who have lost their babies. I remember one of my friends lost her first son because he was pre-mature baby. He was born too early, and he lived for nearly a month, and then passed away. I think her son was born shortly after Jeni was born or before, I am not sure. I can't imagine going through that. I cried when I found out that she lost her son, because I felt her pain. I wanted her to be able to keep her baby. I don't think any babies deserve to die because they deserve to live a full life. Anyway, I found this interesting thing on this lady's lj.

pla-ti-tude: a useless remark; something spoken without thought

If you are a grieving parent, you can probably rattle off a list of a dozen "platitudes" or cliches you have been bombarded with since the death of your child. When you are tired of remaining silent, and wish to educate well intending consolers you may consider some of the following pieces of information.

P = platitude (unintelligent)
R = response (intelligent)

P "It was God's will."
R "How do you know? Are you God?"
R "Oh! So God did this to me?"
R "I prefer to let God whisper His will to me, not you."

P "Your child is with Jesus, in a better place."
R "As a mother, there is no better place than in my arms." (Leang: I agree with this one)
R "I still ache to have my child here with me."
R "I am sure he/she is, but it doesn't take away the longing as a parent."
R "That really hurts and I would appreciate it if you would let me come to my own conclusions about my child's afterlife when I am ready to do so."

P "Better now than one month/six months/one year from now."
R "So then that means you love your older child more than your younger child (to those with more than one child)?
R "There is never a "better time" to bury your child." (Leang: I totally agree with this. I only hope that our children will outlive us)
R "If God came down and told me, Joanne, I am taking your baby. Do you want me to take her life today or one year from now, what do YOU think my response would be???"

P "It's probably better. There might have been something wrong with her/him." (Leang: Seriously?!? This is one of most insensitive things I have heard!"
R "If she/he was less than perfect, I would have loved her/him even more."

P "It will make you a stronger person."
R "I would rather be weak and shallow and still have my child, thank you."

P "Everything happens for a reason."
R "Can you list one reason why a baby should die?"
R "Tell it to my broken heart."
R "The death of a child before his/her parent is never reasonable."

P "At least you have other healthy children."
R "Children are not interchangeable. I have always been grateful for the children I have. That does not mean I should not grieve for what I have lost.
R "My other healthy children have nothing to do with my grief."
R "So if I cut off your thumb you won't miss it because you have four other healthy fingers??

P "You're young. You can have another baby."
R "I don't want any baby. I want _______!"
R "You don't really think that another baby could take the place of ________, do you?"
R "THIS child is special to me. I would never try to replace him/her with another."

P "Aren't you over it yet?" "When are you going to be over it?" "How long are you going to keep talking about this."
R "You get over being laid off from a job, or breaking a leg. You don't ever "get over" the death of your child."
R "Funny how the whole country is given permission to mourn the death of Elvis Presley twenty years after his death. Yet everyone seems intent on forcing me to abandon my child's memory in a few short months." (Leang: This is TOTALLY true!)

P "I understand how you feel, my dog died last week." (Someone actually said this to me!)
R Just walk away from this one.

P "He/She wouldn't want you to be sad."
R "And I wouldn't want him/her to be dead, so I guess we're both fresh outta luck."

P "God has a plan for you."
R "That is easy to say when His plan doesn't include your child."

P "You have to be strong."
R "Says who?"
R "I am being strong. Just being here means I am being strong."

P "At least you didn't have to bring him/her home."
R "I would have given anything to have had more time."
R "You are joking, aren't you????"
R "Are you suggesting I loved my baby less because he/she didn't sleep in his/her room?"

We celebrated Chinese New Year Eve on Wednesday. We set up a huge feast on dining table. We started the ceremony, such as praying to our ancestors, and burning fake bills for ancestors.

The reason why we celebrated a day before official Chinese New Year (which was on the 7th this year) was because that's when we celebrates in my culture. I'm a Tiachivo. Not many have heard of that, but it's really really small population of...race or whatever. Major population of China are Cantonese. Cantonese and Mandrin are two main languages in China. But there's thousands of dialects and villages in China. Tiachivo is one of those thousands of dialects/villages. I'm a Tiachivo from my mother's side, but I'm not sure about my father's side. I know that my grandmother from my father's side was full Cambodian and my grandfather from his side was Chinese. I'm not sure which Chinese he was, though. I'll have to ask my mother to ask one of my dad's sisters 'cause my dad doesn't really know much about family history. Both my mother and I are more into studying family history and everything. It's one of main reasons why I wanted to bring B's roots back...researching his cultures, so I could re-introduce them to Jeni. I don't want the cultures be lost, especially in this America.

Anyway, I've been receiving a lot of money from my family, and relatives if we celebrate together...or for Christmas...or for my birthday...or whenever my relatives from long distance gets to see me ever since...I was born probably 'cause that's one of customs in my culture. However, that stops when you're married, and have a family. Since Brandon and I have a kid, we kind of fell under that category. We're supposed to start giving back to parents, grandparents, siblings and our children. So, we gave my parents and grandmother $222 each. We gave Ben $22. We gave Henry $44. We gave Steven $88. We gave Jeni $80. You're supposed to give older more money, which is why we gave Steven more than we gave Henry and Ben. And the money amount has to start with 2, 4, or 8. It cannot be odd number or number 6 because it's devil number. People ask how we can not be broke...but we don't pay rent for living with my parents. My parents wanted us to live here rent-free so we could save up for our house, our wedding, and invest in Jeni's future. So we have saved up some money, and we had enough to be generous on that day. It was the least we could do for them since they did so much for us, with helping us working on investing in a house for ourselves, with helping me taking care of Jeni, and everything. They wouldn't even let us pitch in for grocery, so pretty much, they've been feeding us every day. And we have homemade food almost every day for every meal. We could only afford to give my parents and grandma $222 each till we have a better paying job or something. Trust me, $222 each is nothing compared to what they have done for us. I've always got $400 from my parents alone for every occasion in the past.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of "online window shopping" for party decorations. I'm trying to do Tinker Bell theme for Jeni's 1st birthday. I will have to buy the decorations early and do invitations early, so I won't be overwhelmed at the last minute. The party will be on June 1st, of course. I'm thinking about doing BBQ in backyard for adults, and do something for little kids in living room like possibly hiring a few people to be characters such as Tinker Bell, Captain Hook, and Peter Pan. Brandon actually had a nerve to ask me to set a budget limit for our daughter's first birthday! Hell to no. I told him to just leave the budget to me, and he doesn't need to know how much all of this is going to cost. I can totally see myself as one of those party mamas on that show, "Party Mamas" where they like to go all way out for their kids' parties. It'd be so cool if I could get a big boat, and have a party there...Tinker Bell flying around, Captain Hook growlin' at his crew, Peter Pan flying around fighting with Captain Hook or something like that. But that's way out of our budget (not that we have a limit budget). I have a few months to plan this party, so I think I'll find something soon.

Oh!!! I'm also excited about something else. I told Brandon what I wanted for my birthday: a jogging stroller. I wanted this BOB Revolution Jogging Stroller 2008 model in chocolate/pink. It's so cute!! And I've visited tons of websites to look at the ratings given by mothers...almost all gave it the perfect rating. So, he told me I could get it. I ordered it online for $359. I know it's pricy but I can use it till Jeni weighs 70lbs. Plus, I can jog with that stroller since Jeni's 8 months old now. The good thing, I didn't have to pay tax or shipping fee for this one. So, it was exactly $359 in total. I'm going to sign up for Stroller Strides classes right here in Fairfield/Vacaville. There's an instructor who teaches a Stroller Strides. It's a class where mothers get to exercise with their babies in the strollers. In this case, I'd be hitting three birds with one stone: exercise, new friends, and new playdates for Jeni! As soon as I get that stroller and exercise outfit, I'm going to sign up for those classes. I asked this instructor about the interpreter situation, and she said she has been researching resources for interpreting services in Fairfield area but wasn't able to find any, and said that she couldn't afford to hire one herself since she's basically kind of self-employed with this Stroller Strides classes. I understood. However, she wasn't ready to give up, and offered other solutions, like she said she'd give me 2 for 1 deal if I have a friend or family who could come and interpret for me during this class and they could exercise if they want to. She also asked if I wouldn't mind if she does visual cues during this exercise to help me understand what's going on, and things like that. I thought it was pretty awesome of her to do that. So I talked to Brandon, and he said he'd come on Mondays' class to interpret for me! Woo-hoo!! I think I'd start going once a week, then going to every day except weekends gradually. When I told Brandon about Stroller Strides, he was mocking this concept at first...asking how do we exercise with a stroller, and then pretended he was doin' some stupid workout with a stroller. Then he got really curious how this works. So here are a couple of pictures for y'all to get an idea:



If you're a mom, and wants to do something like this. You can go to www.strollerstrides.com, and look for the classes near you. It was so hard to find any playgroups and such in this small ass town, Fairfield, but with Stroller Strides, I was able to find one right here in this town!


Ok, here are the pictures of Jeni for y'all to enjoy!

Today is actually not Chinese New Year. Tomorrow, it'll be Chinese New Year Eve, but that's when we'll celebrate in my culture. Cantonese celebrates two days before Chinese New Year which is this Thursday, but in my village, we do it a day before. I'll be busy tomorrow and then I will be posting the pictures on Thursday. Have a good Chinese New Year!

Today, Jeni turned 8 months old today. And yes, I'm still nursing her. I have no plans of weaning her off anytime soon. When I first started nursing her, I was aiming for one year. Now, I think I'm aiming for two years, 'cause that's what World Health Organization recommends, and I figure I'd follow other countries, especially Asian ones, 'cause they always seem to be healthier than us here in America, even when they're older. A lot of my relatives are very active, even in their 80's or something. My grandmother is 67 years old, but a lot of people say she looks younger. She's still able to do a lot of manual labor. She's always cleaning up in backyard, weeding out things. She's even helping me to do some of baby duties. So, I'm giving Jeni all I can give.

Anyway, I made broccoli and chicken for Jeni. What I did was cooking chicken by itself. I added a little water. Then when it's all done, I put them in the blender, and started mixing it. I added a little more water to make it more consistency. Then I steamed broccoli. Once they're tender, I put them in the blender with chicken. I added a little bit of my milk.

We had to throw broccoli and chicken 'cause Jeni hated it so much that she threw it all up. I made the food, but I had to leave home before I got to see her eating them because I had this orientation at school for my online courses. But my brother got it all on video. It was funny.

So, after I came back home from the orientation, I made carrots and chicken since Jeni likes carrots, and it goes with chicken. She  loves it so much that she ate so fast.

It's crazy how mobile she is now. She can pull up to stand by herself. She took a step a couple of times. She loves to use the walker to walk around in the house, as you can see in the video in my previous blog. We didn't force her to do that, by the way. We have been putting her on this giraffe rocker that I got her for Christmas, and she loved it. She was always standing up on it, getting off it by herself, and she started using it as a walker. She just held on the handlers and pushed it as she walked beside it in the house for a while. So we finally got around to getting the exasaucer top off and changed it into the walker, so she could use it instead of the giraffe rocker. Everyone keeps on telling me that anytime now she'll be walking.

I cried about how she might be walking anytime soon 'cause that means, she's a step closer to that phase where she'll want to get away from me. Screaming, "Mom, leave me alone!" "I want to hang out with my friends, not you!" Or something like that. She's becoming more independent. I mean, I want her to be independent woman growing up, but at the same time, I want to hold onto her as long as I can, soaking up in all those precious moments.

Anyway, on Wednesday, we all left to Lake Tahoe to celebrate my brother's 24th birthday. Yes, I'm 24 years old too. And no, we're not twins. So many people asked us that. We're 10 months and 1 day apart. Yes, I know our parents must've been so busy. Believe me, we've heard it all.

It was Jeni's first long trip. We drove 3 hours and half to get to Lake Tahoe from Fairfield. We spent a night at Marriott's Timber Lodge's villa...it was 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. They got a living room, kitchen, and a huge bathtub in master's bedroom. It was AWESOME. I'd love to come back and stay at the same place! Anyway, after we woke up next day, we were supposed to go snowboarding. But due to high risks of weather, they closed almost all slopes but one. However, the guy said if we buy tickets right there, and they could close anytime after that, we won't be able to get refunds or rainchecks. So we decided it wasn't worth it especially when one ticket cost 65 bucks alone. So we went to eat at this seafood restaurant (omg, it was expensive!). After we finished, the snow got worse! So it was definitely safe to say that Heavenly closed right there. We might come back in March when it doesn't snow like crazy, but we'll see.

So we all decided to start heading out for home before we get snowed in and has to stay in Lake Tahoe...although that would be awesome but we had to get back to our lives. We looked for this snow park where we could play. It closed 'cause of snow. We saw two cars flipped over, and one car running off the cliff or something. There were bunches of police cars, ambulances, firetrucks, and even news van. That totally sucks. But yea that was how bad snow it was. So we decided to just find a good spot right off the freeway. We found one and we all played for a little while.

Anyway, here are some pictures from Jeni's cousin Mia's 1st birthday party and Jeni's Uncle Steven's 24th birthday in Lake Tahoe. Enjoy!